For the past several years I’ve been making jokes about my second, third, fourth, fifth 29th birthdays. It’s not really because I am upset to be in my 30s.
Although, if you want to pick hairs, if we were in Logan’s Run or Wild in the Streets the youth would’ve already kicked me to the curb and left me for dead. Never trust anyone over 30, indeed.
It’s just that being in your 30s comes with an unspoken set of expectations and milestones that need to be crossed off, all with the group understanding that you’ll finally get your grown-up card.
Now, six years into this decade (happy birthday to me), I can say with all honesty … you NEVER get your grown-up card.
Well, maybe when you join the AARP in your 60s, but even that’s up for debate.
Tonight, as I blew out my candles and made a wish, I realized that I do not feel any older now than I did when I was in my 20s. The only difference is that I definitely do feel wiser.
36 Oh-So-True Things I’ve Realized in 36 Years
1. Comparison is a trap.
You’ve heard the phrase “comparison is the thief of joy,” right? It’s true, and today’s social media culture is making things different for everyone. It used to be that you might try to keep up with the Joneses, those stylish neighbors next door who were always one-upping you on technology or toys. But now you can see in everyone’s perfectly curated living room and it can be downright panic-inducing if you do not keep a clear head. Focus on your own problems/life/fun, and you’ll be happier for it.
2. Chocolate is always a good idea.
Always.
3. Makeup is unnecessary.
Trust me on this. You are beautiful. Take care of your skin. If you must wear makeup, make sure it’s composed of natural ingredients. Don’t put something on your face you wouldn’t feel comfortable swallowing. It’s the only face you have, for crying out loud!
4. Find a non-strenuous hobby and start enjoying it.
One day, cross your fingers, you will be old. Your body may betray you. You might not be able to do all the physical things you were once able to do. Cultivate some interests now that will keep you happy/occupied in your senior years. Reading, knitting, puzzles, watching the 100 Movies … you get the picture. I’ve seen it happen to family members, and trust me you do not want to make it to retirement just to be depressed about your physical situation.
5. Some things are just overrated. Ignore/bypass accordingly.
See: Dusting, braces, etc.
6. After having kids, you WILL turn into your mother/father. Plan accordingly.
Most of the time, this is a good thing. I love my mom. But sometimes, when I notice that I’m fuming and/or giving Alexa the silent treatment, I have to pinch myself and force myself out of these annoying patterns. Did your mom do some things that drove you batty? Take note now and try to keep yourself in check in the moment.
7. Your parents will someday die, and you will never be ready for this.
Never, ever. If your parents are still alive, say I love you often. Call more. Visit more if possible. Even if your parents drive you insane, their absence will be a gaping sinkhole in your heart that can never be filled. Just know this. On your birthday, buy your mother a present. I always wanted to do this, but I didn’t get around to it and then it was too late.
8. If you can’t find a place to put something, do not keep it.
Resist the urge to hoard. Things are just things. If in doubt, take a picture of the object and let it go.
9. Only buy clothes you can wear NOW.
And by now, I mean this very second. Not 10 lbs. from now, not a year from now. NOW now.
10. Wear white year-round.
Nobody cares about these fashion faux pas, really. Wear whatever you want, whenever you want. That’s a perk of being an adult!
11. Speak up.
You won’t regret it.
12. On the other hand, listen.
Don’t just wait for your next turn to talk.
13. Most of the time, the right answer is “yes.”
But when it’s “no,” be respectful yet firm.
14. Adults need time-outs, too.
Put yourself in one if you are getting out of control. Don’t let yourself out until you can articulate what you are upset about in a calm manner.
15. Do not soak dishes in the sink.
Because then you are cleaning them twice instead of just doing the work once.
16. Buy a comfortable couch.
Life is too short to suffer rock-hard furniture.
17. You’ll never be 100% happy with your body.
Wear a swimsuit anyway. Go to the beach. Go to the gym. So what if you jiggle. It’s not a big deal.
18. Besides, everyone is too busy thinking about themselves to worry about judging you.
So stop being self-conscious already and do the Elaine dance.
19. Take photos of yourself.
Or step in front of the camera. Who cares if you’re fat or having a bad hair day. The only thing you’ll care about when you’re 80 is how positively, absolutely YOUNG you looked.
20. There’s never a good time to have kids.
If you want to be a parent, do it before it’s too late.
21. Audiobooks. Listen to them.
They are not for the super old or super blind. Or maybe they are. Who cares? They’re awesome!
22. Trust your tickets.
Last month you bought tickets to the concert/event or made plans for the party/beach. Now it feels like eons ago. You are comfortable at home. You are in your pajamas and do not want to get dressed. Do it anyway. You will never regret going.
23. Ask for help.
You won’t look weak. You’ll look efficient. It’s a waste of time to flounder when you could quickly find a solution by swallowing your pride.
24. Be willing to take a stand.
I once had a boss who accused me of stealing $20, which was untrue. He tried to make me sign paperwork saying I stole the money. I quit on the spot. A girl has to have her principles.
25. Nobody cares if you buy the cookies you brought to the homemade bake sale.
And if they do, eff ’em.
26. Do not go to sleep angry.
Figure it out, even if it takes all night. As I said before, be communicative. And when you think you’re done communicating, do it some more.
27. Unconditional love is a unicorn.
It’s magical, it’s rare. It’s also easy to take for granted. Don’t do that. Feed it and pet its hair.
28. Take yourself to school often.
And no, I do not mean literal school (but that’s totally fine, too). I mean: Read up on new things, sign up for workshops, do not stop bettering yourself.
29. Heels are evil.
I’m sorry. They aren’t comfortable for more than one hour, no matter what Friend X says. (I hear that celebrities inject Botox into the balls of their feet so they can stand around in stilettos, so … yeah.)
30. You will never regret a vacation.
So TAKE ONE NOW.
31. Do not sign up for credit cards.
OK, maybe one. But they are bad news in general. This is a lesson I’m still learning.
32. If something is really pissing you off, ask yourself, “Will this matter to me at the same time tomorrow?”
If yes, it’s worth the stress. If not, ease your grip on the situation.
33. When in doubt, use flattery.
You definitely do catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Smile at people who grimace at you. Do not take their faces personally; it belongs to them, not you. Your smile belongs to you. Use it. Say “please” and “thank you” and “you’re welcome.” Hold doors and elevators for people. Be nice. It makes a difference.
34. True friendship can survive time and distance and lapses in conversations.
You should be able to pick right back up where you left off. If it’s not this easy, you might have a frenemy on your hands … or perhaps just a passing acquaintance. That’s OK. Not all friendships last.
35. You will never feel like a grown-up.
Except for maybe when you’re making out your will. Or buying a minivan. Or getting your AARP card. You get the gist.
36. You know nothing.
The older you get, the more comfortable you are with this. When I was 20 I thought I knew everything. The definitives have dwindled over time.
What have you learned over the years? Do share in the comments! I’m very curious to hear your life advice.
