In Lifestyle

5 Things I’m Too Old For

It’s natural to change as you age — to outgrow certain habits and get gray hair (ugh, don’t remind me), to change your tastes in everything from food to clothes. I have come to terms with the way I need coffee in the morning, and how I get hangry if I do not eat eggs for breakfast.

Then there are the things that creep up on you. Things you used to tolerate, maybe even enjoy, that now will throw you into a fit of rage. You can file this under: things you outgrow.

I had one of these epiphanies last week when I found out The Strokes are going to play a festival here in L.A. At first I got excited, flipping through my mental checklist of what I’d need to do to make this concert happen. Then I remembered: I don’t do festivals.

Why not? I’ll tell you why not.

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1. Going to music festivals.

In the past I could camp out in front of the stage for hours, never daring to pee or leave for another beer. I got thrashed around, pushed, stepped on. I once feared for my life when I unwittingly got pulled into a mosh pit. These are all stories I remember (some fondly, others not so much). The key word here is “stories.” I’m past the age where it’s acceptable to stand outside, baking in the hot sun far from a decent bathroom, worrying about carving out a 2-foot-square human space and warding off claustrophobia while nursing a $10 bottle of water. Give me a venue with a roof, seat and elbow room, and we can talk about buying tickets.

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2. Shopping at Forever 21.

I’d like to do my shopping without a side of ADHD and hearing loss, thankyouverymuch.

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3. Watching SNL.

There was only a handful of years I found SNL funny, and those years passed a long time ago. I have this theory that each large cast change is worse than the last because I’m getting further and further away from the target aud. (For the record: I think the target aud is 12-18.)

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4. Sleeping on the floor.

I just can’t. My back aches at the thought. No more slumber parties for me. Or drunken blackouts (not that this ever happened).

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5. Wearing high heels.

In my 20s, my step-grandmother used to cluck at me in my stilettos, telling me horror stories about how decades of wearing heels destroyed her feet. I used to sneer at her and be all, “whatever,” but now I’m older and wiser. As with SNL, my window for wearing precarious high heels has passed, and I am totally fine with that, especially when I see other women teeter around me while I’m wearing comfortable flats.

What about you? Anything you feel like you’re too old for now?

Credits: Shark sleeping bag, heels on wheels

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